Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Magical Power of Friendship


A keystone of life for me is friendship.  Yet it amazes me how much I continually learn about it every day.  At the beginning of summer, I was at a low point in my social self esteem.  I couldn’t understand how someone could so easily burden others without worry that they would lose those who once cared. I’m by all means not perfect but I honestly felt that if I was pushy or I complained or yelled that some imaginary guillotine would swoop down and sever my deeply founded friendships.  While I’m glad to say I no longer have that anxiety, I know I wouldn’t have pulled through this summer without my friends.  In fact after this summer I’ll never doubt the meaningfulness of their friendship again.
I wasn’t myself this summer.  I lived in a constant cloud of fear, worry, anxiety, and utter despair.  The worst part is that I thought this was normal me.  I couldn’t remember not feeling that way.  But that’s where friendship comes in.  Many of my friends thought something was off and several expressed their concerns.  At first because this crazy version of myself seemed normal, I was off put by their remarks about side effects from my medication or seeking counseling.  It’s hard not to be offended when someone tells you, you aren’t yourself but you haven’t been aware of that.  Luckily the shadow of the true me didn’t take offense but instead listened.  Since then I’ve slowly been able to find me again.  The true me goes with the flow and chooses to be happy about it.  Every day I work through a lot of despair and anxiety to find myself.  When I do it is this calm peacefulness like I’m floating in the ocean.  This summer truly has been fun and I’ve learned buckets about myself, it’s been difficult but I’m wiser because of that.
I just want to express my gratitude toward my friends. 
A thanks to those that knew something was wrong
A special thanks to those that were brave enough to tell me
A thanks to those that provided me companionship and put up with me not being myself
A thanks to those that listened
And a thanks to those that are at school, who make coming back and saying goodbye to NH tolerable (almost exciting)
If you think you haven’t been thanked, think again this covers practically everyone (it's as flawless as a Tony acceptance speach).  If you’re reading this, you are a friend and don’t forget it.  I’m not fake and I don’t pretend to like people and I don’t hate anyone.
Also I don’t really want to divulge my own medical issues but I’m going to my doctor to sort out the hormonal imbalances that have been affecting me.  Hopefully this calms any worries you may have.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Worry Warts

I have a problem.  I worry so much that my worries can keep me awake and make me physically sick.  I don't like worrying.  I really a very happy person and these worries just interfere.  So I decided I needed that combating all my negative thoughts is just not enough in this battle.  I found this self help guide http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm and the first step to stop worrying really hit me hard -in fact I laughed because it had me pegged.  Almost all my worries stem from uncertainty.  Perhaps it because I am in my 20s and things are going to happen during this decade of life.  Regardless of the underlying cause, I am plagued by uncertainty.  But life itself is uncertain nothing is guaranteed but that doesn't mean life is unhappy.  Life is beautiful and mysterious.  I can't control it and that's okay.  I need to just accept the day-by-day.  I am no fortune teller and pretending to be one doesn't really calm my uncertainties.  Instead of worrying about where I'll be after college or if my romantic/family/personal relationships will work forever, I need to just be grateful for what I have now.  So I'm going to share a small list of my uncertain fears and ways to fight back.
Fears:
Never owning a house vs. today i have shelter over my head and I will have shelter and a home tomorrow and the day after.
Dying an old maid vs. I am in love with a wonderful man who loves me back.
Never living comfortably vs. I have seen that in direst of financial situations there is still happiness and love
Never having a family vs. Well today I am not ready for my own family in fact if all the sudden I had one it would be quite overwhelming as uncertain as this wish is.  I should never worry about this because I won't want a family until I'm in a position to have one which is not today.
I feel better for now.  I know that dealing with uncertainty will be my biggest battle for worrying.  I live in the future which is all uncertain.  I'm going to strive to live day by day and just enjoy all the causes for happiness in my life instead of worrying about loosing them.  The world could end tomorrow so I'll just make the most of today and not worry about it.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Losses don't always mean sorrow...

     Bruins lost another game but hakuna matata.  I feel at ease for the first time in a while.  So it's Saturday night and I was in before 12...that's fine.  I still had a good day spent among friends.  I have come to terms with the fact that weekends don't have to be intense for life to be good, and I should take what I get and be happy.
     For the first time in a while it seems that a lot of turbulence between me and others has lulled.  I am not mad at anyone or myself.  Summer has begun a time to not be so tense and just go with the ebb and flow.
This probably isn't the most insightful post but after the epiphanies of last post, my summer has vastly improved.  I'm young, I'm in love, I have a job, I have a path, I have a family, I have firends, and I have God....what is there to complain about.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

"Let the rest of the world beat their brains out for a buck. It's friends that count. And I got friends." -All About Eve

        In a perfect world I would be friends with everyone.  But the world isn’t perfect.  I consider myself to have high self esteem especially for a big girl.  My self image struggles are a thing of the past.  But lately my self worth has been incredibly low in one department.  I have no confidence in my relationships with friends.  I may value myself but I have the lost the essential faith that my friends in return value me.  With the exception of my boyfriend, I find myself doubting my closest and oldest friends.  I have this irrational fear that I walk on thin ice with everyone of my close friends.  Heaven forbid they be in a bad mood, because then I will blame myself.  Lately this awful perspective has led to incredible moodswings, insomnia, and hypersensitivity.  This has to change.  These fears lead to nothing but selfish unnecisary drama. 
        I have some theories as to where such paranoia springs from.  First off, making friends in college was the hardest thing I have recently dealt with.  It brought me back to my lonely childhood days spent on a playground with no playmates.  I was picky with who I hung out with as a college freshman.  Although I spent many a lonely night cooped up in a dorm watching Netflix, eventually I found some very worthy friends.  The other contributor was aforementioned drama that occurred last Christmas break.  I had never felt so underappreciated and stepped on and although I am on better terms with some folk, I can say that I truly did lose some friendships.   I had never lost a friendship before.  This drama made me out to be a villain, which cut me deep.  Perhaps deeper than I even realized.  Then winter semester began and I made another friend.  I was so afraid he would be bored or upset with me that I focused all my energy into being overly nice.  I try to add some altruistic selflessness to all my friendships so that I can be a great friend, but this was a little overboard.
        Back to now.  This fear has got to stop.  I have some amazing friends and this sensitivity is going to only create drama.  I need to remember that friendship has a huge foundation in faith.  Maybe I can’t always physically prove that my friends love me but that is where faith comes in.  I put my foot in my mouth and have plenty of annoying habits.  I have to have faith that my friends will love me anyway.  No one is perfect and trying to be the perfect friend can’t work.  If there is a problem I have to trust that my friends will talk to me.  If they think I am annoying and don’t want to work with me then Screw them.  Life’s too short to spend pleasing selfish people.  These last sentences need to be my mantra.  It might be a struggle but if I remember these things, I can maintain perspective.  This summer is going to be different.  I am no longer the group planner and I am a different person than I was in high school.  I will do what I want to do.  I will surround myself with people who I feel good spending time with.  But I will always leave the door cracked for those that want to work something out and repair our friendship.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Screaming

When someone screams, I shoot through the roof.  Not because it's a loud noise and it startled me but because it puts me into emergency mode.  When someone screams I instantly want to rush to their side because I imagine blood gushing everywhere or a masked man with a chainsaw.  Most often when people scream it is over trivial things that do not warrant such shrillness.  I have known many that scream because they SEE a spider.  How is yelling going to help?  It accomplishes nothing and causes an unnecessary adrenaline rush for me.  I know this is how some people react to things but in my head I equate it to swearing (hard to control but possible).  If you scream, I can live with you I don't hate you or anything like that.  I hate how I feel scared for an hour after you screamed over a trivial thing because my heart rate won't slow.  I also deep down fear that one day you will really need my help and for once I won't respond because I've grown accustomed to screams.
Screams have meaning and to overuse them is like crying wolf.

Of course there are okay times to scream.  I won't freak out if we are watching a horror film or on a roller coaster.
I might add that while I am not one to scream.  I do swear and cuss on occasion when I stub my toe and that if you need to cry, do it whenever.  Because I am so picky, I'll probably be "blessed" with dogs that howl and children that do nothing but scream for all eternity.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Shivering on the couch

       This week sorta pulled me past the zenith of winter woes.  To start I had yet another fun experience with the Red Cross.  No problems with veins.  Blood happily left my body and soon I went over to the cookie place.  My roommate joined me; life was fabulous.  Then I felt a slow heaviness creep over me as if a wheelbarrow of bricks had been gently dropped on my head.  I knew these signs and was furious with my body.  It was hard to move so lying down couldn't be achieved.  I decided my only defense was my mind.  I fought and was determined mentally but my body won.  In my stubbornness my eyes stayed open as they rolled back in my head.  Soon some poor worker came over and asked if I was awake.  Although I was unconscious, I answered harshly "I am awake!" like a woman possessed as my eyes remained in the back of my head and my body wobbled.  When I came to, I was beckoned to the floor and and ice pack was dropped on my face.  I then anxiously ate Nutter Butters, knowing that I needed to hurry over to the testing center.
       To end this week I saw a double rainbow (all the way) outside of Papa Johns and played capture the flag on campus.
       Stuff happened in the middle but this isn't a sandwich and therefore the middle is not most important.  
I finished The Life of Pi.  
We went on a horror film kick but recent movies are as follows:
The Mist
Cinderella (Korean) 
The Prestige
The Shining (seen if before)-a creepy guy with a stick made this 10x more horrifying.
Charlie Wilson's War
*My Thoughts are with the Japanese and hoping the Nuclear reactors cool down.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

No not as in government.

A forced (some call it volunteering) myself to give a talk this past Sunday.  I worked hard on that sucker and many seemed to enjoy so I am graciously posting it.  Just remember that speaking skills and writing skills are not the same.

If you type into Google “It’s my god give right” in quotes some of the more immediate search results include:
It's my God-given right to give your kids high-calorie desserts that contain no nutritional value.
It's my god given right to pull a robbery
It's my God given right to cry at the bus stop!
It's my God-given right to: Empty every last little bit of trash out of my car when I get gas;
And My personal favorite
As an athlete, it's my God-given right to marry a woman much more gorgeous than I.
In the for strength of Youth it talks about our god given right of agency it states
“Your Heavenly Father has given you agency, the ability to choose right from wrong and to act for yourself.  While you are free to choose for yourself, you are not free to choose the consequences of your actions. When you make a choice, you will receive the consequences of that choice. The consequences may not be immediate, but they will always follow, for good or bad.”
Since we can’t control our actions Being Free means being responsible.  In the March 2002 Ensign Elder Robert S. Wood speaks of this in his article “On the Responsible Self” when he said:
“Ancient Greek dramatists had a device they used when the characters in their dramas were trapped in a complex web of dilemmas, largely of their own making—the deus ex machine. This was a machine in which actors portraying the gods would suddenly be lowered on the scene to save the mortal characters from the consequences of their own actions.
Today many people manifest the desire for such a rescue in small and large ways:
the student who, having failed to study during the term, prays for assistance in an examination; the teacher who opens a lesson by saying that, having made no preparations, he or she intends to rely on the Spirit;
the individual who, having abused his or her body through lack of exercise and violation of the Lord’s law of health, expects to be delivered, sometimes through priesthood administration, from the ravages of self-induced ill health;
the drunken or reckless driver who prays for a “second chance”;
the individual who, having violated the commands of God or rules of society, expects mercy to utterly suppress the requirements of justice.
The psychologist Erich Fromm called the wish to escape the consequences of one’s actions a desire to escape from freedom. For being free requires being responsible. The very word freedom connotes the ability to judge rationally between alternatives and the willingness to accept the consequences of one’s decisions.”
I’m a public health major so I’m taking a lot of classes that focus on Chronic diseases.  I’d like to share some statistics from one of my classes with you:
Stroke: 70% preventable,  Colon Cancer: 71% Preventable, Heart Disease:  82% Preventable
And type II Diabetes is 91% preventable
I find it shocking that these diseases are in the top five causes of death in the US, since they are so preventable.  This is just another example where our freedom to choose comes into play.  We can choose to eat processed junk everyday or sit on our tushes watching the office instead of being active and exercising.  It might seem pleasant at the time but when we have a heart attack we may regret that decision.  It’s great that we can choose what we eat and do, I love having that freedom but we have been forewarned to some of the potentially harmful consequences of our actions.
Just as we’ve been warned about our health.  Heavenly father has given us warning.  Like it says in Mosiah chapter two verse 22
And behold, all that he requires of you is to keep his commandments; and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land; and he never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you. (Mosiah 2:22)
To keep the commandments, the church offers programs and guidance to help so we can avoid breaking the commandments.  The “for strength of youth” is one of these things.  The section on friendship always stood out to me as a teen.  It says:
Choose your friends carefully. They will greatly influence how you think and act, and even help determine the person you will become. Choose friends who share your values so you can strengthen and encourage each other in living high standards. A true friend will encourage you to be your best self.
When I was in High school, I can’t think of a better description than of my New Hampshire friends than the one above.  Sadly these high school friends have changed since the entered the wonderful world of college and this break I was put in a difficult place.  Originally I was planning to attend our annual new year’s party.  I soon found out that these underage friends now planned on including alcohol.  I didn’t know what to do.  My friends had changed but I still loved them.  I knew that just because they wanted to drink didn’t mean I was expected to but the whole idea still made me queasy.  I didn’t want my friends to think I thought I was better than them or that I didn’t love them.  I started to reflect on why it made me queasy.  It was then I remember the peace that I felt when I was with my friends, that I was safe and in a good place.  I never associated the two before, but I believe this feeling was tied to the spirit, its presence in good places.  I then realized that being around those same people drinking would make the Spirit I felt go away.  I did not want this.  Whenever I’m in a place without the spirit it’s easier to forget who I am and I feel almost sick.  So I decided to heed the words of the strength of youth pamphlet and not go to that party.  Instead I hung out with a different friends who choose to abstain from alcohol and although aren’t religious have high morals and integrity.  My friendships with the people at the drinking party were damaged but at the same time I drew closer to very uplifting friends who encourage me to be my best self.  I also know that through time and forgiveness the damage can be repaired.
Life comes down to a lot of these decisions.  If I did attend the party I would have still abstained from alcohol but it came down to a more grey area of what sort of situations will I, given my agency, choose to put myself in.  ELDER NEIL L. ANDERSEN talks about these situations in the article “A Gift Worthy of Added Care "in the December 2010 Ensign.
As the developments of technology and communication ever press the modern world upon us, being in the world but not of the world requires that we make constant choices and decisions (see John 17:14). Spiritual discernment is paramount. As disciples of Christ, we must make the gift of the Holy Ghost a conscious, daily, prayerful part of our lives. President Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said, “No one of us can survive in the world of today, much less in what it soon will become, without personal inspiration.”4
How can we use this heavenly gift as a vital compass for our daily actions? We must believe that even in our weaknesses, the still, small voice we feel comes from our Father. We must pray and ask and seek and then not be afraid when answers come into our heart and mind. Believe they are divine. They are.
Life is full of many grey areas where there is no direct commandment telling us what to do.  Part of this comes from our heavenly father’s desire that we use our agency and think for ourselves.  If we had doctrine regarding every activity on the planet, we would never have to council with our father in heaven to discern what is right.  When we are put in situations where we must discern for ourselves it can be a great testimony builder.
While there a lot of grey areas, it’s the more of the little decisions than the big one’s that make us who we are.   Keith Merrill talks about some of the big secisions in the June 1976 New Era in his article “Deciding about Decisions”.  He talks about several of the important big decisions we should make and three in particular stood out to me, he said
“First, decide that you are important. A lot of you have not decided that yet. A lot of you have fears and doubts. You’re unsure, you’re afraid, you’re struggling for your identity, and you want to be accepted. These things can get you into wrong decision-making modes.
-- The second great decision I think you need to make is to decide never to compromise. That’s the most reassuring decision you could make. And you only have to make it once.
The third is…
-- Be active in the Church. You will go through periods in your life when you will have a lot of questions. There will be times when you’ll wonder what’s happening. You’ll have doubts, fears, and concerns—but don’t let your activity in the Church fall off. See yourself as an active member of the Church in spite of how you feel at any particular time. In spite of what pressures you may be under, continue to come to Church.”
I can be very rebellious. I’m stubborn and I loathe being told what to do, I’ve always been that way.  I remember when I was three years old and my great grampa told me to colour in the lines of my coloring book.  I thought it was preposterous that he was giving me advice, the man is blind, but I will colored how I wanted to and I scribbled all over the page just to spite him.
As I’ve matured I’ve tried really hard to come to know things for myself.  I guess you could call it testimony building in some aspects.  This has helped tame my rebelliousness because if I’ve come to know something for myself, when I receive advice from a Prophet, parent, or teacher I am much more receptive.  When I don’t understand why certain rules are in place it can be hard to follow them.  I come from a state where seat belt laws are not mandatory for adults and I appreciate the choice but I have come to the decision that I would rather wear a seat belt because of its protection (I don’t want to pick glass out of my face years after an accident like my grama did when she flew through the windshield in a car wreck) than not wear it to be rebellious or demonstrate my “god given right” to not wear one. 
Agency is great blessing but in using it we must not forget what a great blessing commandments are.  Honestly it would be so unfair if we expected to come down to earth and prepare to live a celestial law without a clue as how to do so.  So if you’re ever like me and just want to rebel make sure you are actually using your agency and thinking for yourself and not acting to make someone angry or because your feel pressured to participate in an unwise activity.  Who’s motivating your decisions -populatirity, wealth, other secular crud or the will of the Lord.
Agency is a blessed gift; think about it next time you can’t make up your mind what outfit to wear.  But  we must not forget about our other gifts that go with it, like discernment through the holy ghost or the words of Prophets.  I’ll leave you with this wonderful insight about the Prophets’ words from Robert D Hales during the April 1995 General conference.  Think about this next time you’re tempted to abuse your agency.  He says:
“If we listen to the prophets of this day, poverty would be replaced with loving care for the poor and needy. Many serious and deadly health problems would be avoided through compliance with the Word of Wisdom and the laws of sexual purity. Payment of tithing would bless us, and we would have sufficient for our needs. If we follow the counsel given by the prophets, we can have a life in mortality where we do not bring upon ourselves unnecessary pain and self-destruction. This does not mean we will not have challenges. We will. This does not mean we will not be tested. We will, for this is part of our purpose on earth. But if we will listen to the counsel of our prophet, we will become stronger and be able to withstand the tests of mortality. We will have hope and joy. All the words of counsel from the prophets of all generations have been given so that we may be strengthened and then be able to lift and strengthen others.”`