In a perfect world I would be friends with everyone. But the world isn’t perfect. I consider myself to have high self esteem especially for a big girl. My self image struggles are a thing of the past. But lately my self worth has been incredibly low in one department. I have no confidence in my relationships with friends. I may value myself but I have the lost the essential faith that my friends in return value me. With the exception of my boyfriend, I find myself doubting my closest and oldest friends. I have this irrational fear that I walk on thin ice with everyone of my close friends. Heaven forbid they be in a bad mood, because then I will blame myself. Lately this awful perspective has led to incredible moodswings, insomnia, and hypersensitivity. This has to change. These fears lead to nothing but selfish unnecisary drama.
I have some theories as to where such paranoia springs from. First off, making friends in college was the hardest thing I have recently dealt with. It brought me back to my lonely childhood days spent on a playground with no playmates. I was picky with who I hung out with as a college freshman. Although I spent many a lonely night cooped up in a dorm watching Netflix, eventually I found some very worthy friends. The other contributor was aforementioned drama that occurred last Christmas break. I had never felt so underappreciated and stepped on and although I am on better terms with some folk, I can say that I truly did lose some friendships. I had never lost a friendship before. This drama made me out to be a villain, which cut me deep. Perhaps deeper than I even realized. Then winter semester began and I made another friend. I was so afraid he would be bored or upset with me that I focused all my energy into being overly nice. I try to add some altruistic selflessness to all my friendships so that I can be a great friend, but this was a little overboard.
Back to now. This fear has got to stop. I have some amazing friends and this sensitivity is going to only create drama. I need to remember that friendship has a huge foundation in faith. Maybe I can’t always physically prove that my friends love me but that is where faith comes in. I put my foot in my mouth and have plenty of annoying habits. I have to have faith that my friends will love me anyway. No one is perfect and trying to be the perfect friend can’t work. If there is a problem I have to trust that my friends will talk to me. If they think I am annoying and don’t want to work with me then Screw them. Life’s too short to spend pleasing selfish people. These last sentences need to be my mantra. It might be a struggle but if I remember these things, I can maintain perspective. This summer is going to be different. I am no longer the group planner and I am a different person than I was in high school. I will do what I want to do. I will surround myself with people who I feel good spending time with. But I will always leave the door cracked for those that want to work something out and repair our friendship.
