"Let the rest of the world beat their brains out for a buck. It's friends that count. And I got friends." -All About Eve

        In a perfect world I would be friends with everyone.  But the world isn’t perfect.  I consider myself to have high self esteem especially for a big girl.  My self image struggles are a thing of the past.  But lately my self worth has been incredibly low in one department.  I have no confidence in my relationships with friends.  I may value myself but I have the lost the essential faith that my friends in return value me.  With the exception of my boyfriend, I find myself doubting my closest and oldest friends.  I have this irrational fear that I walk on thin ice with everyone of my close friends.  Heaven forbid they be in a bad mood, because then I will blame myself.  Lately this awful perspective has led to incredible moodswings, insomnia, and hypersensitivity.  This has to change.  These fears lead to nothing but selfish unnecisary drama. 

        I have some theories as to where such paranoia springs from.  First off, making friends in college was the hardest thing I have recently dealt with.  It brought me back to my lonely childhood days spent on a playground with no playmates.  I was picky with who I hung out with as a college freshman.  Although I spent many a lonely night cooped up in a dorm watching Netflix, eventually I found some very worthy friends.  The other contributor was aforementioned drama that occurred last Christmas break.  I had never felt so underappreciated and stepped on and although I am on better terms with some folk, I can say that I truly did lose some friendships.   I had never lost a friendship before.  This drama made me out to be a villain, which cut me deep.  Perhaps deeper than I even realized.  Then winter semester began and I made another friend.  I was so afraid he would be bored or upset with me that I focused all my energy into being overly nice.  I try to add some altruistic selflessness to all my friendships so that I can be a great friend, but this was a little overboard.

        Back to now.  This fear has got to stop.  I have some amazing friends and this sensitivity is going to only create drama.  I need to remember that friendship has a huge foundation in faith.  Maybe I can’t always physically prove that my friends love me but that is where faith comes in.  I put my foot in my mouth and have plenty of annoying habits.  I have to have faith that my friends will love me anyway.  No one is perfect and trying to be the perfect friend can’t work.  If there is a problem I have to trust that my friends will talk to me.  If they think I am annoying and don’t want to work with me then Screw them.  Life’s too short to spend pleasing selfish people.  These last sentences need to be my mantra.  It might be a struggle but if I remember these things, I can maintain perspective.  This summer is going to be different.  I am no longer the group planner and I am a different person than I was in high school.  I will do what I want to do.  I will surround myself with people who I feel good spending time with.  But I will always leave the door cracked for those that want to work something out and repair our friendship.